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| Is it me? Am I just too paraniod, all the suffering and the tears that were shed many years ago has created a phobia in my heart. Everytime the situation comes up, everytime I feel fear in my heart. I freeze mentally and emotionally not able to make a decision dreading displeasure and guilt that may arise. I feel terrible but aren't I doing enough? Why is it I get the blame. Why is it if I make a mistake and forget to tell them who I'm with on which day i get the blame. it's not my fault i have to spilt myself in two. Everything is already ten times better than before, they try to make it less stressful for me and I highly appreciate it. But when will the dread leave my heart? When will I not feel guilty when I want to spend time with my friends, the whole weekend, when will I be able to take a holiday to Malaysia. Do they realise how much piority I give to them? Or am I just being to sensitive? Am I just hanging on to the fear of the past? But I don't think you can blame me. It's become instinctive. I wish everyone would just get along, I wish I didn't inherit all these hang ups. I wish my poor younger brother would not have to suffer the pain as well. Its completely not his fault. Neither is it mine. And it's not my fault that I don't handle it in the most perfect way right. Scream, I just want to scram, I just want to disappear. I don't want to live with this.
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| Long time no see xanga. Long time no entry. It's called LAZINESS. I have been infected with a virus of laziness this one month or maybe two. I've been doing the bare minumum in the UK well ok not bare min, but i could do more to make my life more fulfilling do more towards mt postgrad. The first month was really smo oth running. I was so focused. And than.. I got distracted so distracted by this one stupid thing. Sigh.... Bad girl bad ping! Good God your in the UK for one thing and one thing only POSTGRAD. PLease focus for goodness sake. get your act on the road. It's good I came back it's good I have time now away to refocus myself. Must not get caught up in the jkust existing must be focused and chase my goal. Because of my laziness I may have just lessened my chances for Surrey University already. The school i want, my future. *shake head* When will I ever learn...... | | |
| We should be willing to face all obstacles and discouragement that prevent us from allowing God to reach us.
Press on.
It's really discouraging facing nothing concrete to do, having someone to keep telling you, it's real easy, no problem if your not fussy. But I suppose you have to turn it around. But it's not easy. I really want to get something soon...
God give me strength.
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| Well this is it.... monday.. I'm leaving. New chapter. What will come out of it... Gives me shivers down my spine. Will I be able to get a job, or will I have just spent three months there. Will the bond survive? Will we continue strong? Will I get the apartment I want. Will my parents know soon? Will I get to enter postgrad? Questions with answers waiting round the corner, to be revealed in 3 months.... Shivers.... | | |
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